Guess what?!?

...and she puts off the Christmas post even longer...

I know that seems crazy given that today is New Year's Eve...but I have wonderful news I wanted to share: I finally got word that I start grad school January 7th!!  I know that is practically tomorrow and I am scrambling to get things in order but, I am still super excited!  I was hoping to start this summer.  That would have been totally fine but with the divorce and only a six month break before school started employment options were limited.  Having the opportunity to start next week means I finish a semester earlier than I had planned and it gives me a clear path for the next couple of years.

I just finished financial aid paperwork, I am registering via e-mail this week, and I need to do the mundane things like buy books (and a bookbag...bizarre).  Then presto...I will be in the process of earned my MBA!

I am still working on a few things quietly on the side.  However, if those fall through I will have a greater opportunity to provide for V and I in a more comfortable way.  That, in and of itself, is a huge relief.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and I pray that the New Year is nothing short of a gift from God.

Out of nowhere.

I am going to be in and out of town for about a week so the Christmas update will have to wait.  I know the fluff writing seems so simple but those posts are the ones that take the longest for me.  I have to think about all the things I don't want to forget and find the pictures that I think you would love.  That writing for me is much more complicated than a good rant or something heartfelt that has been rattling around inside of me for a few days.

It is going to feel like I am going way off track but please bare with me...you'll understand soon enough.

Remember when you were a child and you would start putting one of those impossible 1,678,928 piece puzzles together that was predominantly clouds?  What was the first thing you did after dumping out the pieces and flipping them all over so they were facing up?  I remember perfectly.  I would always start on the border.  I guess it was the easiest because the pieces obviously had straight edges...but it also provided a framework.  It was a good guide for you to use.  It allowed some perspective for the rest of the puzzle to start coming together.

That being said...looking back on my last few thoughts I have shared with you guys it is obvious that I am starting my life over.  I have been given back all these pieces.  Some make sense and some just don't.  I know that they all fit somewhere...my faith, my daughter, my career, my education, my life as a single woman...and that's just scratching the surface.  I have all these things that I want to fit together just right.  To make a perfect picture.  Yet, even with an essentially clean slate and all these pieces I couldn't visualize what things might look like for me.  What life would hold 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years from now.  I had all these bits that I knew would provide the framework for me moving forward and yet I could gain no perspective on the big picture.

Did you ever have that moment when trying to put the border together?  You look and look (and I pray and pray) but to no avail.  So, not having the one piece you think is crucial, you just start on the big picture...then, presto, it just appears out of nowhere.  I may have had that moment.

Instead.

So I wrote a post today that was long and came easy.  Looking back on that post I'm not so sure it was nice.  That being said I am going to hang onto it for a while and mull over it's content.

For those of you that are curious...yesterday was not quite as simple as I had hoped it would be.  Figures.

The fat lady must have laryngitis...

And the post that almost never was...

As expected in war between what was once a loving couple...things are never as simple as one would hope.  I handed him the papers, gave him a week, and he told me to expect a counter offer.  It was kind of like he thought he was buying a house rather than leaving his wife.  I'm not terribly sure I am comfortable with that.  He wants out.  He refuses counseling.  He has no desire to repair our home.  He says it is because I am hateful.  Do you possibly think that I am hateful because he tells me that I am, at my core a terrible, disrespectful, unloving person?!?  Could it be that despite my begging, pleading, and honest effort for months that he was unwilling to give anything?!?  Do you think it could be his constant belittling of my role in our family?!?  Do you think it could be his questionable behavior and constant application of double standards?!?   Do you possibly think that it could be his complete and total refusal to take any responsibility for the downfall of our marriage?!?   Nah.  I must just be a bad person.  That's the only thing that makes sense.

Grrr.

So here we are.  Threats of court and more lawyers.  I bounce back and forth between just letting him skip off into the sunset whistling Dixie and taking him to the mats.  Here's the thing.  I could let him walk away with the minimum.  I would be fine.  My issue with that is that he is just, in essence, shirking his responsibilities.  He got fed up and thinks that as a grown man he can walk away from his family and his promises with little to no friction.  That is just not right, here and now, or in any alternate universe.  Taking him to the mats would prove my point and would give any judge in America the opportunity to tell him that you don't get to choose.  You have to continue taking care of your family.  The things he accomplished were in part due to me and that entitles me to half.  Period.  That is what the law says.  Black and white.  Doing that would serve my pride but wouldn't accomplish what I want...and that is peace.

Serving my ego and my pride would only costs thousands of dollars and lots of tears.  I don't know if I am willing to go that route.  I don't think he is worth that.  I think I am worth more.  Knowing those truths deeply and soulfully leave me teetering on just giving him what he wants.  His freedom and the bulk of his money.

I spoke to a friend yesterday and cried.  I have struggled with my anger throughout this process.  I have prayed for peace and for God to take away this fire that burns in my chest.  I know that my near rage is as great a sin as any he is committing.  I know that and yet here I am.  Fists balled, eyes glistening with tears, hateful words on my lips.  This is not who I want to be.  This is not who I am.  Maybe letting him go his own way would release me of my own sin.  Maybe it would give me a moment of peace.  The kind of peace that lasts a lifetime.  I find so many verses in the Bible that soothe my soul and give me direction but just the sight of him these days makes me see red.

Today is the day.

Granny update:  She is doing okay and was supposed to go see her cardiologist today.  The only explanation we have is that her heart rate dropped incredibly low causing her to pass out.  From what I can gather this is a fairly common thing for her (which is a little scary!).  The bad thing is that they can't pin-point why and as a result they have no treatment.  When I know more I will let you know.

On the home front...today is the day.  I have the papers signed, notarized and packaged.  He gets them today and then he gets one week to sign.  I have been sick about this all day.  I am ready to be finished and hope that this is going to be as simple as giving him the papers, getting them back, and getting them to the lawyer.  I know the long run holds lots of stuff like selling the house and rearranging bank accounts...but I think a little finality would go a long way for my tummy ache.  Once the papers are signed everything is basically spelled out and the divorce settlement is basically law.  Yikes, law.

With regards to life after marriage it might just be something I have dreamed of.  Not in the unicorns and rainbows sense...but instead that I will be pursuing some things I never thought I would.  For starters I am waiting to find out (any day now) if I can start work on my MBA the first week in Jan or in the summer of 2010. Either way I am excited about the prospect of having the opportunity to provide more comfortably for V and I.  Had this divorce business not come up I would have been satisfied to make a home for my family.  Now I have a catalyst to pursue a more prestigious degree.  Not only something I can be very proud of, but also something V can take a lot of pride in.  I want to be an example for her that education is incredibly important.  Something you can't avoid in today's world.  It truly is one of the main ingredients for success.

In addition, I have a little something else in the works.  I don't have a lot of details at the moment....just know that I am in the research phase.  My parents make me feel so silly sometimes.  They point out my accomplishments and talents and always want to know why I just don't use them to do something I would love.  So...maybe I will.  Maybe I will be able to support myself doing something fun that I love.  Maybe I can do this life without a boss.  We'll see.  As things start to take a more defined shape I will be sure to keep everyone updated.

For now just know these important things: 1.)V and I are surrounded by unconditional love and support. 2.)Rather than moving forward feeling as though I have been robbed of my life I am choosing to feel like I have been given a new opportunity. 3.)I will be successful.

Crazy how you can boil things down and they seem that simple.  Especially when there is a whole lot of distraction around...

Prayer Request.

We just got a call from a Wal-Mart employee saying that my granny had fallen ill in Savannah and they were trying to get in touch with a relative.  Apparently, she could not talk and they were calling an ambulance.  We don't have any other information than that and are waiting for an update.  Please join us in prayer that she would be healthy and this was something as simple as low blood sugar. 

Never saw this coming.

So, I am putting the finishing touches on my divorce papers for the lawyer to get them in order. The timeline looks like I will be finished with my part and have them in his hands by Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I just finished looking over stuff, filling in blanks, and asking questions. I thought I would be completely relieved but I just feel sick to my stomach. I guess this coming at the holiday season kills me. The thought of couples gathered around the tree opening gifts and exchanging kisses hits me like I never expected. I am in the distinctly different position of my gift being the end. The end of what I thought would be a love to last lifetimes.This morning while I was working on the legalese I was blindsided by pain. Families everywhere rejoicing and here I am dividing property and adding zeros to what he thinks I should be getting. A man I pledged my life to has turned his back on me. Despite my relative comfort with the situation that isn't something you just put down and walk away from. I have to own some of that and I think that is where much of my pain lies.

Everyone has problems...right? Where do you decide that your problems are everything and there is nothing left. Or even scarier, the thought that there are no real problems and in addition no real love. Is that something you slog through and continue on, hoping that life will reveal itself in an amazing unexpected way, giving you something you thought you could never have.

I heard someone say once, "If the grass is greener on the other side you need to water your own lawn." Going through this distinctly common situation I am trapped in at the moment I just don't know if that is true. I am beginning to think there isn't an answer to any of the questions I have. Given my usual need for control that hasn't been something that is easy for me to accept...that there may not be answers.

Everything I was once so sure of turns out to be something completely different. Things I thought I knew...turns out I don't. I am just hoping that this decision that has been handed to me will become something I never thought it would. I would like it to be the opportunity to be Violet's hero. The opportunity to do things for myself that I hadn't planned on. The opportunity to live in a way that I never regret anything...

Sleigh Bells Ring, Are you listening?

Christmas is almost upon us and I am totally unprepared. I have been so worried about moving and unpacking and trying to find a job and applying to grad school and and and...that it just snuck up on me! The upside to that is that I have very few gifts to buy/make. I have 5 people to buy for and then V's stuff...that's it. This is the first year I have so little to buy but in a way it is liberating. It is definitely a huge relief since I am jobless and despite applying for more than 50 jobs I have no leads.I wasn't really in the Christmas spirit...I think that is why I have been avoiding shopping. I even managed not to be Christmas spiritesque after having gone to visit Santa Clause for breakfast. Last Saturday we took V to see the big man and she was not pleased with him. I, of course, had to sit on his lap to get my picture taken with her and then she wouldn't even look at the camera because she was too engrossed with her candy canes. Her cousin Haiden was just fine with Santa though! She jumped right up rattled off her list and smiled for the camera. Maybe next year I will be that lucky!

Last night, however, we put up the Christmas tree and that turned my frown upside down! It was hysterical! There were kids screaming, adults stuttering, and teenagers text messaging. It might have been the hardest I have laughed in a very long time. We decorated, ate pizza, and listened to Christmas music with the football game on. We even sang Christmas carols loud, proud, and way out of tune on the ride to drop some folks off. I did end up with a headache from all the chaos but I wouldn't have changed a thing!

In addition, there have been a few Christmas parties with friends I love and trips to the Mall with my little sister...all that is fun...but nothing compares to being in a home filled with love during the holidays.

Her first trip to the nail salon.

So today for a little pick-me-up my Mom toted Chuck, V, and I to the local nail place for a little pampering. I got my first pedicure in quite some time and it was fab-u-lous! I was a little stressed when we were talking about it because this would be Violet's very first trip to the nail salon. All those dremels for filing, and chemicals, and breakables...I am getting heart burn just thinking about it again!

We got there and our plan of attack was for one person to be free to take care of V at any given time but the nice nail ladies had other plans. They turned on my spa pedicure chair tossed her up in my lap and started to work on my teeny tiny little toenails. The craziest thing happened. It completely blew my mind! Violet just sat there. And sat there. And sat there. She sat there the entire time and just watched quietly. I never in a million years thought that would happen. The only time she really moved around much was when she decided that she needed to take her shoes and socks off like everyone else (which was honestly REAL cute.) In exchange for her compliance I have promised her a little Spa Brockmann treatment tomorrow. V will be getting a mom pedicure for her sweet little feet...the trick is going to be getting off the red polish that is already on her toes without her freaking out :)

Here to stay.

The move is done. Our stuff is officially here and unpacked. The only thing we are still working on is getting our wireless internet working. The password for the wireless network in the ‘rents house seems to have disappeared so for now we must be creative! Thank goodness for usb drives and short staircases :)

The dogs, as mentioned before, are not terribly excited about the yard business…but they are starting to adjust. I would say that the upside is that when they come in at night to sleep with V and I they are exhausted! I’m not sure they even move during the night anymore! That is a blessing…now if only I could convince the Peke to quit snoring life would be perfect! Well, maybe not perfect…but you get the idea.

V is adjusting well and giving me a run for my money. I am always amazed at how quickly kids adapt to new things. For example, V had transitioned into a big girl bed flawlessly. No trouble at all. She jumped up in her flower covered twin bed, put her curly locks on the pillow, and off to dreamland she went. I was stressed out the first night needlessly. Nap time was the event I was really worried about. Again, needlessly.

V is also potty training fiercely. She has her little pull ups and her big girl panties. I am not convinced she is actually going potty. However, I am sure that she enjoys tearing the TP off the role. That much I know.

She is also becoming more concerned about her appearance. It is cracking me up! Everywhere she goes she has to have a “bow bow” which is her version of the hair bow. Yesterday I caught her putting her jacket on and she got hold of an entire thing of bow bows. In a very short period of time she managed to put all 15 bow bows in her hair. I had quite a time getting her to let me take the majority of them out. I did snap a picture before I did that though :)

Move in is almost complete...

Move in is almost complete. There was a bit of discombobulation and cleaning involved but we are almost settled. Just a few more days and I think we will be semi-permanent. In the past two days I have packed and unpacked and moved and shifted and planned and cried. It is hard actually letting go of things you thought would be your life forever. I am blessed to have such a wonderful support system to help carry me through this time in my life.

V has been over joyed to have all the excitement and playmates. Having her laughing and smiling and talking and playing has been the most encouraging thing about this move. Despite my uncertainty about where I will be in a few months I am blessed to know that she will be by my side. My marriage was (apparently) a disaster from day one but I wouldn't change a moment because the end result was that amazing little lady that roams around behind me every day.

The dogs are a little grumpy about the move. They aren't terribly sure about this whole "yard dog" business. They are used to laying on the couch and watching Sesame Street with V...they aren't terribly excited about laying outside while V watches Sesame Street. Still, if that is the biggest issue with our move then I think we have a winner!

The next few days hold a new MOPS group, a last furniture move, and letting V go for the weekend. I will be sure to post some pictures of our new digs soon. We actually have a pretty sweet set up considering we just moved into a mad house :)