The fat lady must have laryngitis...

And the post that almost never was...

As expected in war between what was once a loving couple...things are never as simple as one would hope.  I handed him the papers, gave him a week, and he told me to expect a counter offer.  It was kind of like he thought he was buying a house rather than leaving his wife.  I'm not terribly sure I am comfortable with that.  He wants out.  He refuses counseling.  He has no desire to repair our home.  He says it is because I am hateful.  Do you possibly think that I am hateful because he tells me that I am, at my core a terrible, disrespectful, unloving person?!?  Could it be that despite my begging, pleading, and honest effort for months that he was unwilling to give anything?!?  Do you think it could be his constant belittling of my role in our family?!?  Do you think it could be his questionable behavior and constant application of double standards?!?   Do you possibly think that it could be his complete and total refusal to take any responsibility for the downfall of our marriage?!?   Nah.  I must just be a bad person.  That's the only thing that makes sense.

Grrr.

So here we are.  Threats of court and more lawyers.  I bounce back and forth between just letting him skip off into the sunset whistling Dixie and taking him to the mats.  Here's the thing.  I could let him walk away with the minimum.  I would be fine.  My issue with that is that he is just, in essence, shirking his responsibilities.  He got fed up and thinks that as a grown man he can walk away from his family and his promises with little to no friction.  That is just not right, here and now, or in any alternate universe.  Taking him to the mats would prove my point and would give any judge in America the opportunity to tell him that you don't get to choose.  You have to continue taking care of your family.  The things he accomplished were in part due to me and that entitles me to half.  Period.  That is what the law says.  Black and white.  Doing that would serve my pride but wouldn't accomplish what I want...and that is peace.

Serving my ego and my pride would only costs thousands of dollars and lots of tears.  I don't know if I am willing to go that route.  I don't think he is worth that.  I think I am worth more.  Knowing those truths deeply and soulfully leave me teetering on just giving him what he wants.  His freedom and the bulk of his money.

I spoke to a friend yesterday and cried.  I have struggled with my anger throughout this process.  I have prayed for peace and for God to take away this fire that burns in my chest.  I know that my near rage is as great a sin as any he is committing.  I know that and yet here I am.  Fists balled, eyes glistening with tears, hateful words on my lips.  This is not who I want to be.  This is not who I am.  Maybe letting him go his own way would release me of my own sin.  Maybe it would give me a moment of peace.  The kind of peace that lasts a lifetime.  I find so many verses in the Bible that soothe my soul and give me direction but just the sight of him these days makes me see red.