Never saw this coming.

So, I am putting the finishing touches on my divorce papers for the lawyer to get them in order. The timeline looks like I will be finished with my part and have them in his hands by Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I just finished looking over stuff, filling in blanks, and asking questions. I thought I would be completely relieved but I just feel sick to my stomach. I guess this coming at the holiday season kills me. The thought of couples gathered around the tree opening gifts and exchanging kisses hits me like I never expected. I am in the distinctly different position of my gift being the end. The end of what I thought would be a love to last lifetimes.This morning while I was working on the legalese I was blindsided by pain. Families everywhere rejoicing and here I am dividing property and adding zeros to what he thinks I should be getting. A man I pledged my life to has turned his back on me. Despite my relative comfort with the situation that isn't something you just put down and walk away from. I have to own some of that and I think that is where much of my pain lies.

Everyone has problems...right? Where do you decide that your problems are everything and there is nothing left. Or even scarier, the thought that there are no real problems and in addition no real love. Is that something you slog through and continue on, hoping that life will reveal itself in an amazing unexpected way, giving you something you thought you could never have.

I heard someone say once, "If the grass is greener on the other side you need to water your own lawn." Going through this distinctly common situation I am trapped in at the moment I just don't know if that is true. I am beginning to think there isn't an answer to any of the questions I have. Given my usual need for control that hasn't been something that is easy for me to accept...that there may not be answers.

Everything I was once so sure of turns out to be something completely different. Things I thought I knew...turns out I don't. I am just hoping that this decision that has been handed to me will become something I never thought it would. I would like it to be the opportunity to be Violet's hero. The opportunity to do things for myself that I hadn't planned on. The opportunity to live in a way that I never regret anything...